Monthly Archives: October 2005

Thursday:
Thursdays are the only days of the week that have a tendency to leave me lacking any sense of accomplishment; this one wasn’t any different.  Nothing notable here…

Friday:
Sticking to the trend that the majority of my weeks follow, Friday was a little better…  Class wasn’t any more exciting though; at least I don’t think they were.  I had a test that morning, and decided to skip the National Geographic lecture in Ancient Egypt.  I did chores up until 4:30, things like cleaning my bike, doing laundry, cleaning up my room…stuff like that…  Then at 4:30 I did the Shoal Creek Shootout with the cycling club.  This was a fun ride too.  I ended up in a consistent second place on the three intermediate sprints; not too bad.  Dan, our club president, got a flat on the first of three laps; sucked for him, but he got it all fixed by the time we were finished.  Once I got back home things were sort of mellow for the rest of the evening.  I watched 40 Year Old Virgin and ended up passing on the numerous Halloween parties, seeing how I had plans for the next morning…

Saturday:
Saturday I had one hell of a time.  I met with Dan and Jeff from the cycling club at 9:00 and we then proceeded to drive to Blanco, TX for a little cycling adventure…  Blanco is the location of the Sweatin’ Burnt Orange Bike Tour; so our day’s objective was to go ride the 72 mile route to make sure everything’s in good shape for November 13.  We arrived in Blanco around 10:00, met up with one other rider who rode from Austin, and also met up with Cory (another UT Cycling member) on his Vespa scooter.  Before embarking on our journey, we wanted to take some video footage for our fundraising dinner.  So it was me and Dan, motor-pacing behind Cory’s Vespa, while Jeff and the other rider drove along side in Dan’s truck video taping us.  I bet the lovely citizens of Blanco, Texas haven’t seen that one before…  After my big screen debut we headed out for our ride.  I’ve always known Texas hill country was hilly, hence the name, but riding through it really gives you a different perspective.  That part definitely took some getting used to at first, but after around ten miles my climbing legs came back to life.  I haven’t had to use them since England…  The weather was absolutely perfect; although the sunburn today isn’t too pleasant.  Around the thirty mile mark we pulled into Sisterdale, TX; a small hill country town of, I’m guessing, around 500 people to fill up our water bottles.  From the looks of things, the only commercial establishment in Sisterdale is “The Trading Post;” which isn’t a convenience store at all, but rather a full-blown honky-tonk country/western bar.  Initially we were a little nervous; you never know how well some people will react to four guys in burnt orange and Lycra shorts…especially in an environment such as this.  But it all went well, and we actually ended up with permission to use their establishment as a rest stop for our upcoming bike tour.  Down the road was a fairly substantial hill climb; probably the longest one of the day.  I was really anxious to test my legs so I charged up fairly hard; dropping the other three riders by a good distance.  We all got back together after we crested, but unfortunately the hills, pace, and miles started getting to Jeff pretty bad.  Energy wise, he was completely finished off after that hill.  From there on, it was usually two riders off the front, and one off the back with Jeff; that way we all got a decent workout for the most part while getting everyone home in one piece…  But it was all good though; energy crisis happen to the best of us from time to time, and it was still an awesome ride.  Afterwards, we ate some BBQ in Blanco and then headed back to Austin.  This ride was actually the most miles I’ve ever done in one day; and judging by my performance I should have a lot to look forward to when I start racing this spring.  Obviously, I kind of took it easy the rest of the day.  There was a party that night that I was invited to; but I was really worn out so instead I ended up here, talking to a friend of mine…always a great way to end an already awesome day…

Today:
Today has been a really lazy day; even by my standards.  I picked up a farmer’s tan from hell yesterday, so I’ve been admiring and regretting that all day.  I did a little bit of highly unproductive studying and bought some food for my dorm room, but for the most part that’s been it.  I was listening to this song this evening, and for some reason it got me thinking about someone I used to know, or at least I think I used to know…  I don’t know whether to miss her or be glad that I’ve been given the opportunity to start something new.  I think it’s definitely a combination of both; I miss having someone like her by my side, but at the same time I’m grateful that I can go after someone new.  That’s life I guess; we can’t always have everything we want, can we?

The next move…if only it was as easy as it sounds… It’s not that we’re not interested, it’s not that we’re scared of the outcome; we just never know if it’s right. The right time; the right person; the right feelings… We question our lives too much, the indications are never quite strong enough act on, and we lack the strength to risk sadness on something with no guarantees of a positive outcome. We’re weak; and the first emotion to take the fall is love. Hatred? Hatred thrives off of our weakness. Initially, hatred doesn’t have any personal negative attachments and it doesn’t take any effort to maintain; it’s capitalism at its best: maximum personal benefit with the easiest sustained effort. That’s what we’ve evolved to. Isn’t it grand? Now that it’s socially accepted, and, to some extent, encouraged to make all of our life changing decisions based on a simple cost/benefit analysis; why take any risks at all? We’re a society of passive drones, constantly calculating and painstakingly scheming our every move. Love just doesn’t fit in.

I am not a robot. Are you?

So I went to meet with my academic advisor this afternoon…  Academically, next semester is going to be awesome.  Even though I don’t “technically” qualify for upper-division standing; he said I should go ahead and sign up for some upper division classes anyways.  This is music to my ears; anymore intro to _____ classes and I’d go insane.  

Right now, I’m looking at two really awesome anthropology classes: Race in Brasil and the Americas, and Cultures in Contact.  They both deal with Portuguese speaking cultures and their interactions…I can’t wait!!!

Then I have my second semester Portuguese class; hopefully I’ll have the same professor I do now.

I’m also looking at an upper-division sociology class covering globalization, and then my second semester government requirement.  Luckily, I have the opportunity to specify a general area of interest for government; I’ll probably go with one that deals with Latin American foreign policy…

We talked a little bit about study abroad opportunities in Brasil too.  My professor for “Race in Brasil and the Americas” is currently trying to put together a program, so I’ll be enrolling in his class at exactly the right time…

I’m so excited!!!

These past few days have been kind of chaotic; at least when you compare them to the past few days before that…  I had two tests last week; one difficult and one not worthy of being called a “test.”  But, regardless, it made me elevate my previously non-existent level of studying for a short time; which was a welcomed change from the usual routine.  I’ve been at Metro a little more frequently these days; the coffee at night helps keep me going through the boring school work.  

I put a few miles on the bike Wednesday and Friday, but nothing too extreme.  Riding in the evenings has caused me to mix up the normal routine a bit too.  Usually I’d eat dinner with all of my friends around 5:30; but they’re never around to eat with anymore when I get back around 7:00pm…  But, my Muslim friend, currently fasting from sunrise to sunset is always hungry when I get back; so if all else fails I usually have someone to eat with, which is good.  It’s the little things like that that I pay attention to; and I really hate eating alone…  

Thursday night I played Ultimate Frisbee with the guys.  It was like a scene straight from The Sandlot; as me and my “crew” walked onto the field we were “challenged” by another group of seven guys about to play.  So the battle was set; 7 v 7…our guys v their guys.  They were all fired up about it too; yelling and chanting and all of that macho bullshit.  We slaughtered them; it got ugly…  I think by the end it was 16-7, but we kept saying we had less because we wanted to keep playing longer…  So yeah, that was a blast and it’s good to dust off my competitive edge every once in a while.  

Saturday was a very eventful day for me.  I woke up at 9:00am to go riding with a guy from the cycling club; unfortunately he wasn’t feeling too good so I ended up going solo.  I cut the ride short because I really wanted to head downtown for the AMLI crit, a bike race downtown.  I got back around 12:00 and headed downtown around 1:00pm.  The first thing I did was check out the Expo at the events centre.  That was alright; lots of neat stuff that costs way too much money…  There was this one booth with this guy advertising his machine that processes raw wheat into this pasty but edible wheat goo.  He turned out a 5” strip of this stuff and handed it to me.  Reluctantly, I tore a piece off and stuffed it into my mouth.  Disgusting.  I think I’ll stick to Powerbars…  Then I headed over to the course area to watch a few races and fulfill my volunteer obligations.  I was “working” course support from 2:45 to 6:00; which basically consisted of listening to music, talking to people, making sure nobody got hit by a bike, and enjoying the beautiful weather.  It was great…  At 6:00 the men’s pro race started, and a bunch of folks from the club showed up to watch.  We all had a really good time…  I think I finally ended up in my room around 8:30pm; needless to say, after a 9:00am bike ride and a day at the AMLI crit, I was thoroughly exhausted.  

Seeing as I slacked off all Saturday; today was finally a day to get some work done, full of Portuguese and Government and everything that makes me wish I was a professional cyclist…  I guess I can’t have fun all the time…yet…, but when I can actually start studying cultural Anthropology I’ll be closer to that ultimate goal…

Stop.  Take one minute, and think about where you were one year ago.  Have you changed?  Up until two minutes ago, I don’t think I’ve ever actually done just that.  I’ve been thinking so much about where I’m going, that I’ve completely overlooked where I’ve came from.  It’s unbelievable how much I’ve changed.  And by no means am I judging better or worse.  Those opinions have no place here; all I see is just drastic change, almost from one person to someone totally different.  

I’m still surprisingly quiet, but it’s not because I’m shy or have nothing to talk about anymore like it used to be.  I suppose it’s because I think more before I speak; I’m more careful with my words these days.  I’d definitely drop the Daniel of one year ago in a bike race too; no contest.  I’m ridiculously healthy compared to the old me, which isn’t an easy comparison either; the old me was pretty damn fit. Priorities in my life have also changed as compared to the Daniel of one year ago.  This is a hard one to explain, but I guess it just comes with experience and beginning to learn what’s really important in this life firsthand.  There’s so much more I want out of life now, as compared to the Daniel of one year ago.  Friends, family, and the social connections in my life mean so much more to me nowadays.  College isn’t just about a degree and a decent job afterwards anymore; the Daniel of one year ago was very naïve…  I’ve realized now that money is virtually pointless, and worrying about it or wasting your whole life trying to acquire vast sums of it is terribly counterproductive to what’s really important.  Happiness is priority number one; both for me and the people I’m associated with.  That’s what my effort goes towards now; by any means necessary.  These days I realize and learn from my mistakes, not beat myself up over them or constantly spin them around in my mind denying I was wrong.

The process of life changes humans like fire changes a landscape.  It’s virtually unavoidable and it may seem bad at first, but what’s created in the aftermath is stunning.  Take a minute and look back at your own life.  For the good parts, appreciate the beauty of the result.  And for the bad parts; appreciate the process and appreciate your completely unique gift of experience…no one else has it and your better because of it, no matter what the results may have been.  Sometimes I think people these days forget this; just watch the news…  Is it really that hard to see; that everything, no matter how terrible the result, has something good attached to it?  When did people lose sight of this?  It all involves change; you can’t look at better or worse, all you can do is be grateful it happened altogether.  We’ve all been given this great gift, but all we do is concentrate on its worst parts…  Don’t fall victim to the negative; turn off the news and reacquaint yourself with what life truly is.

That one’s been on my mind for way to long…now it’s back to work…

My legs hurt and I’m thoroughly worn out.

Fest Africa was fun last night.  It was really awesome to hang out with some old friends of mine, and they did a great job with the whole event.  There were a few awkward moments, with one person in particular, but I’m just going to try and push those experiences out of my mind for now.  And it’s not because I’m a self-centered asshole either; I just really, really, don’t want to deal with it, at all, at the moment.  Maybe I just don’t care anymore; a mental priority shift, so to speak.  Or, maybe I’m just really, really tired right now…  Who knows…  

I woke up at 8:00am on this Saturday morning; something unheard of in my pre-cycling days…  But nonetheless, I was up and on the road by 9:00am for a fun 30 miles out east of Austin.  What a way to start the day, huh?  We rode for around three hours; then I threw down some lunch and started the oh so glorious nap.  I watched the UT v. Colorado game after I finally woke up two hours later; another boring blow out.  Then I caught the end of the USC v. Notre Dame game; American football usually doesn’t hold my attention for too long, but that was a damn fine game.  After my testosterone fix, I showed the guys that I can still dominate in a game of Ultimate Frisbee…  I finally ended up at Jimmy John’s around 9:00pm for dinner; always an entertaining experience for sure.  

I’ve been thinking a lot about the future lately…well not the future in general, but my future in a few months from now.  I can’t wait to move off campus this summer, but I really need to start looking for a place pretty soon.  Ideally, it’ll be a one bedroom studio apartment for around $300 a month.  I already have a few ideas for the place too; it’s going to be awesome…  No car either; but I think a fixed gear bike might be in order for the commute to school, work, etc.  And speaking of work…I think I’m going to get the resume together tomorrow and start looking for a j-o-b this week; something with evening hours and the with the opportunity to get in some study time, as if I really study that much anyways…  That way I won’t have to alter any other part of my schedule.  I’m sure I can find something of the sort around campus; like a computer lab job or something, but we’ll see…  So yeah, just thinking about stuff like that…lots of thinking…  

Life is great for me right now.  I have almost everything I could ever want, and so much more.  I’m in the best shape of my life, mentally and physically; and, honestly, I’ve never been happier…  There’s so much just waiting for all of us out there; and I think I’ve finally started to truly realize that these past few weeks.  

Today was very ordinary, but good nonetheless.  This morning I got back my archaeology test; could have done better with a marginal increase of effort, but I didn’t do too terribly.  I skipped my ancient Egypt class because I wanted some breakfast.  Turns out they watched another movie anyways, so I didn’t miss anything important.  Portuguese was fun today.  I have a new assignment for the weekend, and given the members of my group it should be “entertaining” to say the least…  I almost fell asleep in physical anthropology this afternoon; teaching a former biology major about introductory evolution will get the head nodding real fast.  But, with much effort, I prolonged the nap until after class.  I fell out of bed, almost literally, at around 4:30, got all dressed up and departed for this afternoon’s bike ride at 5:00.  Today was definitely a difficult one, and I’ll be the first to admit that I was thoroughly out-classed.  We went out to the old Austin airport, which is basically a huge open expanse of concrete now, to practice some “team” tactics and some high speed cornering.  We did pacelining for a few laps; by the end I was barely hanging on as the lead guys were pushing at least 30 MPH, but it still felt really good.  The cornering practice was great too.  Almost lost it twice, but now I really know the limits of my machine…  It’s good to have a relatively controlled environment to practice in; plus the more experienced guys really helped out too.  In a few months I’ll really be on top of my game…  I might be racing a local crit race in downtown Austin in a few weekends, but we’ll see about that one.  I ran into (figuratively) a friend of mine on the way home; had a little car-side chat which was nice too.  I’m really looking forward to hanging out with that gang tomorrow night, for Fest Africa!  Should be fun…  I put my computer up for sale this evening too; hopefully it’ll go soon and I’ll be able to get that beautiful new iMac G5…but we’ll see about that one too…  So yeah, after eating dinner with the boys and doing a little bit of laundry (cycling jerseys started smelling bad) I’m back to the keyboard yet again.  It’s therapeutic to be able to just write.  No length requirements, no content requirements, no deadlines.  There’s also the thought that people out there actually read this too; which gives a feeling of “release” so to speak.  Well, that’s all for this evening; time to get some well deserved sleep…

Today was good; lots of excitement and everything else I like to have in my life.  I bought these badass pants Saturday on sale for like $19.99 which I wore today; for some reason that sticks out in my mind…  Unfortunately these badass pants have really shallow pockets; and sometime between the hours of 10:00 am and 1:00 pm I ended up losing my keys.  But no worries though since this evening I got a call from the Jester West dorm desk; saying that someone has found my beloved keys and actually bothered to turn them in.  How nice, huh?  That really made my day.  I got my bike back today too, which I hastily put another 25 miles on this afternoon.  I never made it to the UT Cycling meeting this evening though, but I really didn’t need to go anyways; I just wanted to see someone who I knew would be there…  My classes weren’t too bad today either.  I ended up getting a 41/50 on my last Portuguese test; which, at least to me, was really impressive.  I’ll go to my professor’s office on Thursday just to make sure I know everything I need to and talk about what I missed.  This is one of the few classes that I’m not just taking for the credit; I really want to be able to speak a good amount of Portuguese by the end of the semester.  I did a lot of studying tonight; I’m making a lot of progress with the ancient Egypt material, and if it all goes as planned I should be good to go for Friday’s test.  The coffee and the music were good at Metro tonight too; nothing unusual there.  My brother turned 21 yesterday.  I got him some clip-less pedals for his mountain bike; which he absolutely loved.  That made me feel good too…  

All in all I’d say I’m doing really well right now.  I’m doing the things that make me happy, with the people that make me happy, and I feel like it’s for all the right reasons.  And if for some reason the rest of the week takes a turn for the worst I can still look forward to a nice bike ride with a certain someone on Thursday; which will always make me feel better no matter what.  Life is good at the moment…

Today was such a beautiful day.  I figured I better start studying for this Friday’s ancient Egypt test so I printed out my study notes and headed to that perfect grass in front of the LBJ library.  There was a nice breeze, not a cloud in the sky, and it was a perfect temperature.  My previous RA from Moore-Hill also had the same idea, and it was nice chatting with him for a while too.  After lunch I played some Frisbee and a little football with the guys; that was a lot of fun too.

There’s only two ways that this day could have been better.  One would be if I had my bike and was able to take it out on the open road.  But, unfortunately it’s in the bike shop until tomorrow.  And the second…well just read the last entry, use your imagination, and take your best guess…  Bush better watch his job, because no one can create a false sense of security like I can.

I’m really torn on what to do next with the whole situation…  Part of me wants to talk this very minute, like civilized human beings and without the emotional context this time; part of me say’s “just give it time”; and part of me keeps going back to one thing she said to me that night…  

“How do I know that everything you’ve said to me wasn’t just because you wanted me for yourself…” or something like that…  Is that really the extent of which she valued my friendship?  I’ve always been her friend first and foremost.  A few months ago, even after she said she wanted more than just a friendship with me, and the next day threw my heart on the floor; the friendship never changed.  Nothing she’s ever done, ever, has come close to making me reconsider my friendship with her.  I would have done anything to make that girl happy, and she’ll never know how deep that line really cut into me.  Maybe it was just an emotional time and something slipped, but maybe not…  My “feelings” for her disappeared the moment I saw her face that night, but the thoughts and hopes of friendship remained until I heard those words.  If she really meant it, I think its time to put this last year of so called friendship behind me, cut my losses, and get on with the rest of my life.  I don’t want to do that, not at all, and something in the back of my mind is telling me that she doesn’t want that either.  Unfortunately my head is only 50% of the situation…

All I know is things don’t feel right.  It shouldn’t be this way and that’s one thing I’m completely sure of…

Lose your best friend or live the rest of your life knowing that you never went after it.  The pursuit of those three special words, the three most meaningful words in the world; and of course the feelings they represent…  It’s the choice.  Standing under the alter, looking into the eyes of the one you love, but knowing at the same time that there was that chance, that slight possibility of something better and you never went after it.  Or, standing under the alter, looking into the eyes of the one you love; but not having your best friend, that one friend who’s been there for you through your worst times and your best times, absent on the greatest day of your life.

Which choice would you pick if there was absolutely no way around it; one or the other and you had to choose?

I made the choice, and I went for option two.  The hardest decision I’ve ever had to make in my entire life.  I can’t live my life second guessing its purpose.  It’s not me; it’s not how I want to live.  I can’t look at another girl, two days, two weeks, two months, or two years down the road; but have that haunting thought creep back in my mind: “I could have had more.”  So I went after it; I told my best friend how I felt about her…no more secrets…

Crash and burn…  Long story short: I don’t think she’s coming to the wedding…

Please don’t get the wrong idea from my seemingly upbeat writing style; I haven’t felt this bad in a long time…  She’s amazing; that’s the reason why I loved her in the first place.  She’s the most caring, sympathetic, understanding, entertaining, and inspiring person I’ve ever met.  Completely irreplaceable…  And now she’s gone; just like that.

But life goes on.  I rode with this girl tonight: anthropology minor; avid cyclist; she rode her bike from Texas to Alaska, 4000 miles, all for the advancement of cancer research; easy to talk to; fun to be around; and, oddly enough, she seemed into me too.  I’m not religious, but something like that makes me think there’s someone above who knew that I was about to hit a brick wall three hours later; and that one person I would have turned to for help wouldn’t be been there to pick up the pieces.  I think He softened the blow for me; and if He’s there to help me through the tough times I think I’ll be alright.  It’s not her; and better or worse I can’t judge; but she’s gone and beggars can’t be choosers.  I have no regrets about the decisions I’ve made…ever…  If you never try you’ll never know; and if you never know your life is empty.  I’ll take painful fulfillment over cheerful emptiness any day…

I’ll be able to sleep well tonight; first time in weeks…  Maybe she’ll read this, and maybe it’ll help her sleep a little better too…