Monthly Archives: December 2005

Tomorrow I leave the continent.  I’m flying “home” to England; departing Austin at 1:41 PM Monday, and arriving in London at 6:50 AM on Tuesday.  Now, isn’t that just a complete waste of a day?  I want a teleporter.  I’d probably settle for a regular porter too; a small weathered mountain man carrying my bags wherever I went would be pretty damn cool.  “Hey, who’s that?  Oh, he’s my porter.”  Sweet!  

My third semester at the University of Texas is officially finished; and, minus a few hiccups here and there, it was by far the best one yet.  Spring ’05 was a tough competitor too.  I’ve been thrown into a world that I never thought I was capable of living in, and I love it.  I feel like I’m finally exactly where I should be.

This semester has brought me the most amazing friends anyone could ever ask for.  Actually, I take that back.  Nobody would ever ask for friends like mine, because they could never imagine that people like this even exist; it’s just that good.  You guys and girls are awesome; and I look forward to every minute that I hope we’ll spend together next semester.  

Thinking about next semester gets me so excited.  My classes are going to be great.  I can’t wait to start racing with my beloved UTCC (UT Cycling Club).  As excited as I am about going home tomorrow; I’m even more excited about getting back to Austin in January (January 10, at 9:30 PM if you were wondering).  

Stay safe, and enjoy your Christmas vacations!

This time of year always brings back fond memories for me, so I figured I’d share a few…

December, 2002.  This was my last winter in Burkburnett, TX; for those of you who are wondering just where Burkburnett is, its right in between Wichita Falls and the Oklahoma-Texas border.  This was my junior year at Burkburnett High School, and I had just moved up to the varsity soccer team.  Life was really, really good my junior year.  To coin an old phrase, I was “coming out of my shell” so to speak.  More people were beginning to know me, and those who already knew me suddenly seemed more interested.  Then I moved from Texas, but that’s another story; anyways, back to December ’02.  December was always the month that signaled the end of the off-season on our soccer schedule; in particular the practices during the Christmas break.  The winter weather varies somewhat from year to year, and in 2002 it was cold.  Really, really cold.  We’re talking snow on the ground, ice, and definitely below freezing temperatures.  One image that seems to stick in my mind the most is my teammates and I on the field wearing shorts and possibly a jacket, while our coaches were on the sidelines wearing enough layers to officially classify them as obese.  I remember a few of my less intelligent, and slightly insane friends sliding head first through the puddles of ice, snow, and slush at the end of practice.  And going back into the locker room after practice and trying to open the locks on our lockers with our numb fingers; there was no way in hell that was happening any time soon.  Despite our initial dislikes, I think we all loved it.  That was some serious fun; even if it was in a strange, self inflicted pain kind of way.

Those days back in Burk with my soccer team definitely make up some my most cherished memories.  As cheesy as it sounds, those were my boys; even more so that year.  I wonder what a few of them are doing today.  Too many of them had some serious problems back then; drugs and lifestyles that were way too careless, just to name a few.  I wish I could have helped back then; all I can really do now is hope for the best.  I definitely need to head back up that direction one of these days, just for my own peace of mind if nothing else.  When I left Texas, I left everything behind.  Now that I think about it, I didn’t talk to anyone from Burk until I got back to Texas for my freshman year; and even then it wasn’t nearly as many people as it should’ve been.  Not good; not good at all…  

Since then I’ve gotten in touch with a lot more people, via various internet communications and what not; but it can’t really replace that face to face interaction.  If you’ve ever ran into that old friend from 2+ years ago, you know what I mean.  The “wow, you’ve changed so much” factor is irreplaceable.  I’ll be back to Burk eventually…

I’ve been summoned for jury duty.  Thanks to exemption E4, “you are enrolled and in actual attendance at an institution of higher education”, I think I can get out of it.  Not that I would actually use that exemption if I wasn’t leaving the country in five days; jury duty would be badass.  Oh well…I’ll catch it next time around.

So the rescheduling of my tests has significantly impaired my aspirations of cycling domination this week.  I rode a measly 25 miles with Mr. Eric Looney on Tuesday, but I’m deeply saddened to say that’s been it.  I have been seeing a lot of cyclists, and UT cyclists lately though.  Sunday Sam fixed up my bike; I had a nice chat with a UT Cycling friend Monday afternoon, who is unfortunately (for me, not her) spending next semester in New Zealand; our club had a final get together at Austin’s Pizza Monday evening, which was nice; I studied with Vanessa until 1:00am at Metro Monday night; as mentioned, Tuesday I hung out with Looney; and this evening I had dinner with Marsha and Sam and some delicious tai food, which was really cool too.

I’ve been studying recently…a lot…  

There’s a new addition to my dorm room: a beer stein filled with about twenty Hawaiian Opa’e ula shrimp, a few snails, some microscopic algae for the shrimp to eat, a big lava rock, and some pebbles.  Never needs feeding; just give it sunlight and they’ll live for years.  It’s my inner ecologist coming out; I love it.

I leave the country in five, actually four as of eighteen minutes ago, days.  Even though I probably won’t, I’ll be legal to consume alcoholic beverages for four weeks again.  Drinking just isn’t drinking if it isn’t illegal; takes all the thrill out of it.  When I turn 21 I’ll drink because of the depression of never being to experience that thrill again.  Getting old sucks…  Second thought, I guess drinking isn’t much of a thrill to me anyways; I’m a college student, but I can count my total number of drinks this semester on one hand…wait, maybe two.  Take that college stereotypes!

Over dinner this evening we were discussing the absence of “real” food in Sam’s diet.  Eventually snacks and complete meals at times are replaced by Powerbars, Clif Bars, and various gel supplements.  While studying Ancient Egypt tonight my mind drifted back to that conversation, and I realized I too am similarly supplementing my eating habits.  I ate a Powerbar Harvest for lunch yesterday, and that wasn’t the first time.  I never thought I’d say this, but taste has finally lost the battle to nutrition.  

It was also suggested today that any attempt at a healthy, meaningful, heterosexual relationship with a non-cyclist is futile.  I think it’s true.  I don’t mind either; cyclistas are hot, exciting, and definitely know the important things in life.

And just for the record, “cyclistas” is the Portuguese word for cyclists; I’m not making up words…although I think a word denoting a female cyclist would be sweet.  Maybe “cyclista” will have to be adopted; I’ll keep you posted on that one.

I like coffee…

It’s late, and I have a lot to say…but I’m going to bed anyways…

I’ll write more tomorrow.

I wish I could get my head on straight and forget about her like she’s obviously forgotten about me. I think too much, always have and most likely always will. The past few weeks I’ve tried, harder than any of you could ever imagine, to make that final effort. That’s the problem; I expect results too quickly. The standard mentality doesn’t apply; hard work doesn’t equal quick results in this equation. I’m not like others. It’s not cycling; I can’t just spin my legs faster and beat you to the top of the hill. Over this obstacle, I think every sane person in the world could beat me…

Sometimes I wonder what I may be missing because of this particular hang-up. Truth is, this question really confuses me too. I’m a shitty judge of the difference between “affection and friendliness”; I guess that’s what got me into this whole mess to begin with. Way back when, I always assumed that I would be good at it when the time came. Wrong! Like incorrect answer from overconfident Jeopardy contestant who wagered all of his/her money during “Final Jeopardy “ wrong. I’m still in debt from my last let down and I’m having a hard time getting back on my feet.

Something inside is telling me I’m a missed connection. I feel terrible for being so immobilized. I’m so apprehensive and so scared of messing up again I can’t do anything. It just isn’t working…

I need a break from this place; thank god it’s coming soon. As much as I love it, I think some time away from here will do me some good. When I get back from my “winter break” I’ll have my shit together; and if you really exist and you think I’m worth the wait I promise I’ll try my hardest to not let you down…

I also promise that my next entry will be a little more upbeat; there are way too many awesome things in my life right now to justify otherwise.

Not too much to talk about; I’ve been busy in a strangely unsatisfying way these past few days. My classes were canceled two days in a row, Wednesday and Thursday; because Texans don’t like cold weather, and can’t drive in it either. I’m not too upset about the rescheduling of my two tests, with the exception that I now have work to do this weekend… I was sensible enough to stay off the bike Wednesday, but Thursday I gave in and went out with my fellow teammates for a 1.5 hour sub-zero (˚C) ride. It was surprisingly fun; good company can always turn the worst scenarios into something good. Well, I’m about to head out for another cold one, a bike ride that is…more to come…

I’ve been doing well lately.  I’ve had lots of work keeping me busy, which I love; and lots of opportunities to ride, which I love even more.  Last weekend I put 90 something miles on the bike; in the beautiful weather Saturday and the blistering cold on Sunday.  Both rides in awesome company too; cyclists are the best people in the world.  I should have taken the day off Monday, but I went for another cold 20 miler with Marsha that afternoon; I lack willpower…  As mentioned, school has been keeping my busy lately.  I have four tests on the schedule for this week; so lots of caffeine and late nights for me.  I really can’t complain though; it gives me an excuse to spend more time at the coffee shop and gives me a brief sense of academic accomplishment when I go to sleep…I’ll take that…  I fly home in twelve days for my three week winter “vacation” in England…sweet!

As this semester comes to an end, I find myself surrounded by greatness.  I’m fortunate enough to be attending one of the best schools in the nation, fortunate enough to do well at one of the best schools in the nation, fortunate enough to be surrounded by nice things, and fortunate enough to be surrounded by the most amazing friends and family anyone could ever ask for.  When I sit inside the warm and cozy coffee shop, and look outside at the people carrying all of their worldly possessions on their back and in their hands; sometimes I wonder what I did to deserve this.  While others wake up in the morning and wonder if they’re going to eat today, I wake up in the morning facing the decision of how many hours I’m going to put on my bike today.

All of this, and I’m still not satisfied.  I still want more; not more money, a better bike, or anything material for that matter.  I’m lonely and I can’t stand it anymore.  It’s a loneliness that can’t be cured by friends or family; the only thing missing in my simplified equation leading to happiness…well, that and a one bedroom bungalow in Rio, but that’s for a little later down the road…  I don’t understand why I can’t have it, and I’m jealous that so many people around me do.  One excuse after another, but I guess in the end it’s all of my own design.  The opportunities are there, I just don’t chase them…often enough…or the right ones apparently…

I’m used to the feeling, and that’s something nobody should ever have to say.  I can put on the fake smile when I’m around the cute and bubbly couple; and they never know their visible affection for each other is re-opening the wound.  It’s a bittersweet torture, because I can only imagine how much happiness they bring into each other’s life; and that can never be a bad thing, regardless of how I feel inside.  I just hope one day I’ll know the feeling too…  

My girl; my bike; her bike; our skimpy bungalow in Rio; and a career helping people get closer to their dreams too that makes me enough money to pay the rent, and possibly the electricity bill from time to time…that’s it…  Perfection is never obtainable, but, for me, that’s pretty damn close.

I just don’t know what to do with myself…

So much to say and no way to say it; story of my life…